Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in bs_periphery's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, January 28th, 2009
2:13 am	aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhfuck this wasn't comforting at all. i have been craving nostalgia more than anyone in particular. lie. (Comment on this)
Friday, November 10th, 2006
12:35 am	i need to like the homosexuals. i need to like the homosexuals. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 28th, 2006
10:13 pm	Today is the friday before i move out. I move out on the sunday. i think i have been planning this for so long that I am having a hard time believing that it is actually happening. people have asked me if i am excited, scared, or nervous - and i honestly don't know what to say. Right now i am just anxious, i think. i tried explaining my relationships but i really couldnt. they were baised on convenience, lust, or admiration. I'm kind of tired of trying. No one is to blame. i am happy with what i do have. i love him and them, and myself, and in 3 days i can try again. b (Comment on this)
Friday, September 15th, 2006
4:26 pm	all i can think about is what he is doing, and how i want to be there with him. but i think that julie was right. i will be there tomorrow and sunday... and i will have my fingers crossed (Comment on this)
Monday, August 28th, 2006
4:09 pm	is this it? what am i doing so completely and utterly wrong. i dont know if i have enough energy to fix everything. i would love to be comfortable with all of you (this is a general statement), but i just don't. i'll take the blame don't worry. i do have new hope every morning, and especially each time i see him. i wish it would last a little longer. i feel shot down, and swept under the carpet. B (Comment on this)
Friday, August 11th, 2006
1:54 am	i guess it really isnt all that complicated. jealousy works wonders on making one desireable. i guess that settling for the pot isn't so bad, as long as there is a bag-full. I love all of my friends, especially the 4.. because the four will never die to me. I am growing apart from a lot of people but it is not surprising. i think it's about time to stop pushing and pretending. coby.. its time for you to die it was very nice seeing everyone today. kuba and i really didnt succeed in our photo shoot, but i saw the baby that confirmed my paternal instinct. it was so great to see kuba vana and josie all at once, it pretty much made my day. i think i have got it all figured out. breaks are quite pointless. i was making myself that way, not him. I should just go get what i want and stop waiting. I am going to stop waiting. B (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 27th, 2006
2:10 am	I already have it all figured out, but it still can really get to me. Yesterday jeff and i went to canadas wonderland. It was simply amazing. i really like emily and carla, they are fun gals. My favourite ride was the white water canyon. the bus ride there and back was very relaxing. i spent a lot of the day thinking and planning, and when i wasnt, i was forgetting everything as i was thrown in all directions by different rides. it was a generally great day. Today was a pretty crazy day. i gymed, then worked. Work was terribly slow and my mind was running in all kinds of directions. i couldnt help but feel hyper-sensitive. So i decided to maybe do something about it, and i made as many plans as possible. Tomorrow i am finally seeing vana, and hopefully picking up some things for friday. Friday i will be picnicing with denice and josh.. and we will all be getting intoxicated. i am really excited because denice and i are absolutely crazy when we are sober together, so me on drugs and her drunk should be quite exciting. im not sure if josh will stick with the plan because he is kind of 'not there' lately, but to be honest i wont be that disappointed if he doesnt go. Maybe then denice and i can go canoeing!!! So things are going pretty bizarre at the moment, but i have no problem being patient when i dont feel like jumping off the face of the earth. things always get better after they get worse. -B (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 18th, 2006
12:57 pm	my head is still spinning. i really should practice turning down drugs and alcohol when im already loaded. i dont remember very much last night, minus waking up in my bed and freaking out around 6 in the morning. i really dont like my house. I do like that my dad called at 11 and asked me how i was doing. i guess my parents really aren't all that bad. im not sure how healthy it is that the only time that i feel kind of stable is after i hit rock bottom. I have come to quite a few realizations these past few days... most of which i should have already known. Jeff and I are no longer moving to toronto, or out at all. i really should stop putting all of myself in these plans that i make. i think that sometimes i expect too much from people. thats probably why i feel betrayed by the people i care about. i think the biggest thing that i have realized is that i have no idea what is really important. if one more person tells me i am only seventeen i think i am going to scream, because how exactly does that make anything better. i guess i still have a long way to go. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, July 3rd, 2006
11:36 pm	he makes me want to scream. i settle for walking on eggshells. it all can be summed up by simply saying that i am no good at this. after that talk i thought i had everything settled... it solidified as i slept. i woke up seeing that the glass was in fact half full and that i am not as bad as i have been thinking all my life. Then the night of drinks with the best friends just built on to this new found optimism. i once again woke up with a huge smile on my face. it kept collecting momentum i get ready and reved up to see the boyfriend who i missed so desperately the day before. tragedy strikes. i dont know how but he can make me feel so much in a single instant that i can't even think straight. most of the time i love it, but when i fuck up, i can barely hold myself together. so basically nothing changed. im starting to get frustrated...tired even; but i am not giving up hope any time soon. i wish i could dance..... maybe carry on a decent conversation. it happens when i feel cornered. i figured it out. he can make me drown in my head. i love him more than i think he will understand. -b Current Mood: exhausted Current Music: a rotating fan (Comment on this)
Monday, June 26th, 2006
11:56 pm	this feeling have having something to say is really driving me into the ground. please be patient. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, June 22nd, 2006
7:38 pm	today i had a dream that i finally just flat out asked him for help. the only difference was in my dream it was help picking out my outfit for the wedding. we slow danced to Sparks by coldplay. school is finally over. now i guess i have nothing to wait for. vana leaves next week, which really distresses me. jeff's birthday is in one week and i could not be any more excited. i wish everyday was his birtday. im such an akward boy. B (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
11:34 pm	Fay: Sometimes we love people so much that we have to be numb to it. Because if we actually felt how much we love them, it would kill us. That doesn't make you a bad person. It just means your hearts too big. riding in cars with boys is a really good movie. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 23rd, 2006
12:08 am	antsy antsy was a bear. school needs to end now. So my stalker officially crossed the line today. I don't know why he thought it was perfectly normal to come in the store and stare at me 7 times wihthin three hours. he isn't old or ugly, but it still is creepy. he will only let me take his order, and he does that thing where he looks into my eyes, and wont look anywhere else. I hide behind the brim of my hat. He not only waved or smiled every time he left or came in, but he would lurk outside the storefront smoking a cigarette and of course stare. he spent 90% of the time talking on his cellphone, im guessing that most, if not all, of that time he was pretending. no one i work with understands why he hasnt gotten the hint yet. on the positive side, im flattered. a customer was arrested today at aroudn 4. it took 5 police cars aparently to take him in. he didnt fight or anything, he didnt even talk back. he returned at around 10:30, and informed us that he was innocent. he asked if he could have another coffee and bagel since the cops told him to leave them in the store. cops really intimidate me. Phil informed me tonight when i got home that he is indeed moving across the country. although i am totally over him, and completely in love with jeff, it still fucking sucks. i made a plan to see him tomorrow at five, but he said he probably won't show up. i think that he will. i think that he is being even more rude and distant than usual because he knows that he will miss me. i'm not sure if i will miss him very much, but i liked knowing that he lived only 5 minutes away. i've dragged him through quite a lot, and he has helped me very much. yeah i think i will miss him, oh well. I wish i could have went to see the fireworks with jeff tonight. i havent seen him in like 24 hours, and that's just not right. yesterday was really nice, although i wish he could have stayed. i just want to move in with him now. i started looking into surgeries today and they arent as expensive as i thought, and there are quite a different kinds of plans to cover them. some even without interest. maybe money can buy me happiness. i think im going to talk to my doctor about them in the next few weeks. and im tired. B (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, May 14th, 2006
11:58 pm	am i falling short (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 11th, 2006
11:25 pm	i feel as if i dont control very much lately, and by very much, i mean pretty much everything. i am consuming anything that is edible and within my reach. i try to go to classes, but i just cant stay in that building. i try to go to bed at a decent hour but i just cant sleep. school really needs to end now. i really need to start eating healthy so maybe i can go an entire day without feeling sick/like death. mr doctor told me i have to refrain from sexual intercourse for a few weeks. im not quite sure how that makes me feel. i remember a time when that would have been wonderful news. it seems that school and work are controlling my life. i dont get enough time with jeff, and definately not enough time with anyone else. well lets be honest, i have definately placed him infront of everyone else. im done complaining about how he has become the only person who actually makes me feel of an value. instead im just going to be happy that i have him. im done searching for something unconditional. maybe that was just naiive, or lazy. sleeeep time, hes not on msn. (Comment on this)
Sunday, May 7th, 2006
12:17 am	my head feels like my messy bedroom. im just too tired to organize anything, i just keep piling things on the floor. working 11 hours today, just so i wouldnt be lonely. i missed katherine a bunch. This couple who come in every so often invited me over to their place for some beer after work. i said i would, but spent the remaining two hours of my shift thinking of an excuse not to go. friday was a pleasant surprise. i thought that it wouldnt be like it used to be. we met in the park and then went to williams. josie and i split a wonderful waffle, and kuba defended his personal style choice. i dont know if they understand how much i really missed them. We then went to see nick play. despite what he may believe i think that he is really talented and i wish i wasnt such and awkward weirdo around him. the walk home was also very nice. i peed on a house. its one of the things you think about doing, but wait until you get home. not that night, i got it done. i drove for the first time today, since january, and i am quite rusty. i guess i will just need to start practicing again. i kind of wish i could have went to linzee's, but at the same time i think it was probably best. i would have had to pay for a cab there and back, and i didnt have any alcohol (which is necessary). Sober me probably would have been awkward, i feel the need to impress them, even more so now. i envy how josie is practically best friends with all of nicks friends. i envy how nick looks like john lennon of the wall of the london music club. i have to wake up in 6 hours and im not nearly tired, so i probably get on that tired making. tomorrowtomorrowtomorrow. thursday left a weird taste in my mouth. B (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, April 30th, 2006
9:19 pm	vana i believe this is perfect for me too. so im going to repost it. go scorpios. The mysterious Scorpion may turn out to be the best friend you've ever had -- or your worst enemy. The first rule of friendship with a Scorpio is that you never, ever cross them. Their sting is strong, and they never forget a wrong done to them. That said, it's fairly easy to keep your Scorpio friendship intact, and, as soon as you prove that you are worthy of their devotion, they will be a loyal comrade. You will never know what is on their mind, and you may not have any idea where you stand with them, but their secrets will always fascinate you. Kissing up is a major turnoff for your Scorpion pal, so let them know how great they are without fawning all over them. Scorpio does not have too many friends, but they hold on tight to the ones they do. Friendship is not the most important thing in their lives, but they will stay true to a long-term companion. A Scorpio will gladly give you the shirt off their back if you need it, but you may get the slightest inkling that they have an ulterior motive for doing so. Friendship with the Scorpion will always be full of surprises. what a strange day today was. Work flew by and so did the rest of the evening, and now it seems everything has just stopped. Thank you millions for the dinner kuba (to equal the millions of dollars you spent on us) i didnt do my essay, but this does not mean that i'm unreliable. that i can not finish a task. it does not mean that i suffer from commitment problems. that i have faulty priorities, or that im lazy. it does not in any way relate to who i am. it does not mean that i should not be trusted. it simply means that i could have done it, but i chose not to. i chose to spend the day with my best friends, and work an eight hour shift to increase my savings. i didnt think that i needed to impress anyone. i mean i would love to impress everyone all of the time, but that desire alone has driven me into a place where i cant seem to get out of. today was a great day. it just could have ended better. thats what i want to focus on. B (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, April 28th, 2006
12:36 am	everything is turning around, including my frown? haha even i am jealous of the above statement's magnificance. vana is wonderful and as dependable as the underear brand. josie and i have playing phone tag like tag crazed children (and who doesnt enjoy a good game of tag). and i finally got my husband back. now that that family is almost complete again, everything else seems alright, including my other train wreck friendships. Im feeling more and more comfortable with the boif everyday. we even did it in the daylight. i still have quite a bit of way to go, but im sure soon i will be belting out songs with him in the car, and showing him how truly crazy i am. slowly but surely. be OPTIMISTIC (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 26th, 2006
12:18 am	AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. i cant breathe with these words in my mouth, but i won't say them. yeah i made that mistake before - Conor Oberst (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 25th, 2006
11:53 pm	im growing tired, but i can't cut my losses. something just doesn't feel right. i think working every day of my life is not helping with the optimism. i dont think this 'realism' is either. since when do i need to explain and defend myself. unconditional? is it easier dwelling with dead relationships then trying to make new ones? do i even have the time for friends? im starting to question working full time and going to school, but not for the same reasons as him or her. Maybe i do need to rearrange my priorities. that dreaded feeling of insecurity doesn't leave for very long. its growing too big for my head, and is starting to leak out my mouth and pour out my fingers. in times like these i have to convince myself that it isn't all just me. maybe i am the realist. the lack of someone to confide in is causing my head to swell. is there a lack of trust? it's not all me i promise. i know this isnt helping, but it is what i have to work with. i could always just talk to them... B (Comment on this)